If you go out in any of the bar heavy areas in Newcastle from about April to September chances are you’ll come into contact with at least one hen party. Having lived in Newcastle for most of my life and working in clubs in York for the rest of it I have a pretty strong impression of what the typical Hen party looks like and it’s the same image that is flashed about on the internet to advertise Hen party planning services.
If someone says Hen party to me I automatically picture a rowdy group of women, an inflatable penis, penis straws, L plates, sashes, tacky veils and t-shirts with horrendous nicknames printed on the back. I think of middle aged women who only drink once a year, pissed on too much cheap champers and sourz, getting nasty and starting a fight (or alternatively trying to chat up every male member of staff they can find). I think of all the feathers, penis straws, condoms and other shit we had to pick up from the floor at the end of a Saturday night. In short, I don’t think of them favorably at all!
I’ve been to one Hen party in my life and I’m sure my lovely friend wont mind me saying I found the whole thing pretty traumatic. It was very much the ‘traditional’ hen do, willies everywhere, games, alcohol and willies. Willies everywhere!
And really that brings me to my first point; willies. It seems to me that the common theme in hen parties is the presence of a penis, usually an inflatable one. Now, in case it wasn’t obvious, I’m a lesbian and the last thing I want to do is spend a night surrounded by many incarnations of the male reproductive organ, I don’t think they are nice to look at, I have no interest in them but what is the other option?
Female genitals? Inflatable vaginas?!
To my knowledge I have never witnessed a lesbian hen party, but I don’t think that’s because we don’t have them or because none of us want the tat, I think its because there is little in the way of hen party tack aimed at women who happen to love other women. I find an inflatable penis moderately offensive but can you imagine how offended people would get over a group of women running around town brandishing an inflatable vagina, blowing vagina whistles and drinking their cocktails through vagina straws? I know it could be inflatable boobs but I’m sticking with the genital centric theme of the traditional hen do so vaginas, vaginas everywhere! I’m not even sure that an inflatable vagina is a thing and I’d put it into google but I fear the results would be too traumatic to view.
Other suggestions I’ve heard include two smashers from my friend Ellie. The first, Bum Cakes, came up when we were 20 miles in to a grueling 26 mile hike exhausted and probably a little delusional so I’m going to pretend that it never happened. The second however is one I know she is very pleased with an has enjoyed telling anyone who will listen; ‘Cup’ cakes, but you know, obviously, bra cup cakes!
This was supposed to be a blog about all the reasons why I wouldn’t be having a hen party under any circumstances but while I’ve been drafting this blog that seems to have changed somewhat. It’s now looking like I’ll be having multiple little ones. A few of the girls I work with pretty much planned one while we were out last night and the way some of my school friends reacted when I said I wasn’t planning on having one suggests that I might be in for a surprise there too. All I ask; you beautiful, wonderful humans, is that there be no genitals (inflatable or otherwise) of any kind, that you don’t expect me to get horrendously drunk and that there are no L plates!